All I Want for Christmas Is Not This

I love Christmas, and I don’t even mind buying gifts… for some people. I actually have a decent eye for what others might like. But the second someone asks what I want for Christmas, my mind goes blank. Lately, I’ve even started avoiding buying things for myself just to preserve a few items for the inevitable Christmas list. It’s a sad little strategy, but it’s all I’ve got.

And let me give you a warning: never let anyone know your favorite hobby. The moment you do, that becomes your entire gift identity. I love drawing cartoons, but there are only so many pens and sketchpads one human being can store.

So, in the spirit of clarity, here’s a definitive list of things I will never want or need. Perfume or cologne? No. A scented candle? Worse. In fact, let’s make it simple: if it gives off a smell, I don’t want it. Nothing from a Christmas market either—I can only own so many artisanal wooden spoons, polished rocks or useless crafts.

Please refrain from clothes or shoes; you don’t know my size and I don’t want to spend Christmas in a returns line. No religious symbols of any kind—please respect my pagan holiday. No mugs or large kitchen appliances unless you can also locate the space in my cabinets. No corporate swag; that should go directly into the bin. No lottery tickets—there’s a one-in-fifty-million chance it won’t be the worst gift you ever get. No ornaments, no trinkets, no calendars. And absolutely no regifts. If you didn’t want it, why would I? Honestly, don’t get me anything. If I wanted it, I already bought it.