The Bathroom Police
The latest chapter in America’s never-ending culture war is unfolding in—of all places—the bathroom. Legislators in several states have decided that one of the gravest threats facing society is not climate change, not gun violence, not health care costs, but the possibility that a transgender person might pee in peace. Their proposed “solutions”? Rules requiring people to use the restroom that corresponds to their biological sex at birth.
On paper, this might sound like a neat little directive to people already inclined to worry about other people’s private business. In practice, it’s absurd. The only way to “enforce” such laws would be for someone—some unlucky deputized “bathroom police”—to stand guard at every stall, checking birth certificates or, worse, conducting invasive “inspections.” Unless we’re willing to normalize a TSA-style checkpoint at the urinals, these laws are utterly unenforceable. And thank goodness for that.
The premise is simple but grotesque: if you really believe you can keep transgender women out of women’s bathrooms, then what’s your enforcement mechanism? Are we lifting skirts? Dropping pants? Issuing gender ID cards? Do lawmakers realize how creepy it sounds when they essentially suggest strangers should be checking kids’ genitals before they use the restroom?
Beyond the obvious violations of dignity and privacy, these proposals crumble under common sense. Imagine a bearded, six-foot-two transgender man who, under these laws, would be forced to walk into the women’s restroom. Is that really what lawmakers want? Because that’s what their own rules would demand. The result is not “safety”—it’s chaos, discomfort, and humiliation for everyone involved.
And let’s be real: bathrooms are not the cultural battleground conservatives think they are. Most people go in, do their business, wash their hands (hopefully), and leave. No one is scanning the stalls for birth records. The bathroom is one of the few places in modern life where people want to spend less time, not more. Yet here we are, dragging bathrooms into the spotlight as if they’re some hotbed of moral decay.
This isn’t about safety. Every major study shows transgender people are far more likely to be the victims of harassment and violence in bathrooms, not perpetrators. This is about control. It’s about turning marginalized people into symbols, about scoring political points by inventing a boogeyman who doesn’t exist. Lawmakers are trying to legislate a problem that isn’t there, with “solutions” that are laughably unworkable if they weren’t so cruel.